Lauri Jean Crowe

Artist, Writer, Woman, Mother, Healer, Teacher, Biohacker, Gardener, Friend, Entrepreneur

Day 1: 30 Days of Selfies: Soldiering On

day 1 30 days of selfies November 1 2016.jpg

My headache is worse than normal and the thrum, thrum, thrum of the soldiers marching in my head lead to increased spasms in my hand that shoot off like a semi-automatic in the apocalypse. No zombies fall, just the tempered glass shelf in my refrigerator which flies with great ferocity into the next room, onto the counters and up toward the ceiling. I survive with no cuts, but the fridge is now absent 1/3 of its shelving, guts ripped out over the vegetable drawers, with no medics in sight and no more funds available to subsidize the war.

You see, this is one of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days that Alexander is so fond of talking about. Some days are like that.

Since more days have been in that category than not for me lately, a friend suggested I do 30 days of selfies as a way to remind myself that I have value, and that I matter. My depression has been pretty bad the past couple months. Perhaps she sensed that. You never expect to be filing for disability after a two year protracted illness that started with a flu bug on the cusp of your 47th birthday – especially when you eat clean, exercise, don’t smoke or drink, and do your best to practice healthy habits.

Yet, somehow here I am, walking with a gait like a zombie, without the cool special effects, and some days thinking it might be a blessing if I was in an episode of the Walking Dead and Negan came at me with Lucille – at least the headache would be gone, right? Humor is a balm on those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days, even when it is dark humor.

If you know me, you know that I am a realist, an educated realist. This means that when things suck they really suck because I have researched the hell out of them and if I am not moving forward it is only because the solution doesn’t exist yet. I keep seeking and I know that I will find the pieces of the puzzle that unlock my solution. Until then, I do my best not to destroy household appliances, maintain the level of health I have and stretch my limitations a little more each day and stay connected with those friends who have stuck with me despite my quirks and lack of spoons.

I absolutely hate having my photograph taken. I always have. So, this will be a true challenge for me. My friend suggested that so many people responded positively to my authentic sharing of my trials and triumphs on my personal Facebook page that by doing a 30 days of selfies challenge perhaps I could inspire others to stay positive in their struggles with chronic illness. Perhaps that is the purpose in these lessons I still have yet to learn, these solutions I have not yet solved.

However, one thing I have learned is that repeating the same action never leads to a different solution. So, changing it up a bit may be a good thing. Taking photos helped my doctors finally understand that my facial edema reactions were not just the result of a fat, lazy woman.

Yeah, those are me. Pretty scary to look at, aren’t they? Now try living behind that mask. I know that it gives me quite a headache, but I also know that I survived each of those days and I survived today. That makes it a wonderful, beautiful, glorious, very good day. Some days are like that.

Things that make me smile:

I completed my polymer clay and glass vessel pendant. It took me several months because of the hand spasms and lack of vision in my eye.

However, I finally have something beautiful to show for it. No mud, no lotus.

Did you know I am giving away FREE ART? It makes me happy. Check out this post for your chance to win.

Winners will be announced November 8, 2016.

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This entry was posted on November 1, 2016 by in Uncategorized.

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