Lauri Jean Crowe

Artist, Writer, Woman, Mother, Healer, Teacher, Biohacker, Gardener, Friend, Entrepreneur

Day 22: 30 Days of Selfies: Wilted

november-22-2016-30-days-of-selfies

The crunch of feet on brittle grass, no sign of melt, the light a harsh reminder that winter long and hard comes quickly. Her fingers pink, she clutches at the memory before things wilted, feels blessed to see another sun.

This morning when I woke it was hard to find a positive mindset. Everything felt a wee bit off. My hands were puffy, neck swollen, I itched. I had a restful night of sleep. I expected to waken more refreshed when I saw the time. Expectations can really fuck you up.

“What screws us up the most in life is the picture in our head of what it’s supposed to be.” – Socrates.

A larger truth I’ve not yet found. Our minds often create an image that reality simply can’t stand up too. Take for example the sunflower. It has brought me much joy as evidenced by my post on Day 5. I see it every time I go out my front door, each time I look out my living room window. Today I looked out and it was wilted, and dying and frost covered and sad.

My expectation that it would continue to be the blooming, gorgeous yellow ray of light throughout the fall was unrealistic. In the back of my mind I knew it would die, turn to an empty but sturdy husk and that I would end up harvesting its root and seed head. I just wasn’t ready for it to have fallen when I stepped out the door this morning to the briskly frigid air and frost on my windscreen. My mood plummeted even further and I wilted in proportion to the sunflower when my mental image of it didn’t sync up with the reality.

We do this often, expecting things to stay the same, to not change. The status quo is comfortable even when it isn’t. Some days it is more shocking that others. It is easier to clutch to the past than to move forward, but move forward me must and so we do. Breathe in. Breathe out. We learn that change is good and no matter what we do to prepare, what expectations we set that life happens regardless and when it does you simply have to deal with it.

For example, my mom keeps joking she is going to take away my cane. It helps me move faster and now she has to catch up to me again. So today when I fell down I wasn’t surprised when she laughed. It turns out my expectation, and that of my doctor’s, that the cane would help me remain upright, was a wee bit of a faulty picture in our heads. fell harder, faster and got more mud on myself than previously and I wonder if part of that isn’t because I felt a false sense of security.

The thing is, a bit later, when telling my mom I needed to get home to ice and showing her the bruises forming on my hand she said, “I didn’t realize you fell.” Another messed up picture in the head. When I told her I needed to go in and change my pants before we left she thought I had spilled more drink on myself because I had that hand spasm glitch earlier. I thought she was being an ass and laughing at me for falling.

30-days-of-selfies-november-5These things make me wonder how many missteps we have in life, how many miscommunications, because of the pictures we have created in our heads of how something is supposed to be. In the meantime, you can damn well bet that as soon as my bruises heal I am going to rip out that wilted sunflower so I can go back to imagining it as the lovely, strong and vibrant life it once was – why?

Sometimes we need our illusions, even when all expectation is gone. Sometimes that picture in our head is the only thing that keeps us keeping on.

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This entry was posted on November 22, 2016 by in Uncategorized.

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