Artist, Writer, Woman, Mother, Healer, Teacher, Biohacker, Gardener, Friend, Entrepreneur
Today is a new day to begin. Today I am becoming more, emerging from the shadows yet again. Today I took my first walk without supervision in close to 15 months. It was amazing. Those steps, at first unsure, soon became strong with the clack, clack, clack of my cane as my breath caused little rippling whirls in the wind. It was cold and it was liberating and it made me smile.
This walk wasn’t planned. My son was supposed to go with me but he wasn’t ready, and I was. I told him to catch up before I fell down. I fully expected him to be there in minutes because my children have learned to hover and watch. Mom might need picking up, or forget where she’s going. As I walked on and he didn’t come I quit looking behind me, focused on the place I wanted to reach before turning about to go home again. I forgot in these moments that my legs could give out at any moment, that my vision could blur, that my head could split in agony and simply breathed in, breathed out, clack, clack, clack and kept going forward.
There is a beauty in movement, even when it is slow and measured – maybe because it is. Learning to walk with a cane, relying on this third leg, hasn’t prevented me from falling. It actually has given me another leg to worry about on ice. In some ways it increased my fear that this was all there ever would be, this dependency. However, the cane has also given me hope and allowed me to remain upright. This isn’t to say I haven’t fallen since we began our journey together, but the falls have been less.
Still today was the first time I took those steps without a chaperone. It is the first time I have been able to venture alone without fear blocking my path. It was necessary and I will be forever thankful that my son was in need of a sandwich more than a walk. I am glad for my impatience. It helped me heal, to get unstuck and uproot my fear so that it was vanquished like a great oak, split right down the center after being hit by lightning. Today was my aha moment – that feeling of I can do this. I am enough.
I’d already walked once today, bright and early with my other son. We did a measured pace as the sun rose, greeting the New Year with half opened eyes. It was a glorious morning to be alive, but I didn’t truly feel that vitality until I walked alone eyes wide open in wonder at my own ability and the smooth cadence of limbs working in concert. We take so much for granted in this life.
The New Year is a time when people make resolutions. They set challenges and tasks and then beat themselves up when they don’t accomplish their lofty aspirations. This does no one any good. It is a way to set yourself up for failure, like believing in the fear of falling so much that you never walk alone. My son did show up and walk with me the final leg of my journey and I enjoyed that time with him too. Connection is important but you can’t really connect if you don’t feel your own self value to begin with. Today I felt my value again.
In 2017 I task you with one thing – find the beauty in movement in your life. If you do not like where you are, move. You are not a tree. Today is a new day to begin. Every day is a new day to begin. Today, become more. Don’t hide your value by staying in the shadows because there are better ways to be alone. All it takes is putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward with your next breath. Breathe in. Breathe out. Clack, clack, clack.